Just like last week, I’ve went around and asked about a dozen Christian men of various ages and backgrounds (single and married) what they were looking for in a woman. Here are my findings and thoughts in bullet points.
- The woman must be a Christian – Or more specifically, Christian men are looking for women with a deep commitment toward Christ. Not just any woman who would claim to be a Christian, but as one put it: “I’m looking for a woman who can hold her own walk with God and challenge my faith”. Nobody wanted a Christian young in their faith and certainly nobody wanted a pushover.
- I want to speak to those who are single on either side here. I have observed that people look for qualities in a spouse that are similar to their own situation. Therefore, they would look for a person that has similar upbringing, social circles, desires, and outlook on life. And on the same note, the deeper their faith is with Christ, the same qualities they would look for in a spouse. If then you are looking for someone who is very active physically, socially, and in the church (the whole shebang), then you better stack up in a similar way. Psalm 42:7 says “deep calls out to deep…” and so it is true that like-minded people call out to another. But don’t fret. God will always meet your needs in Christ. Focus on the present. Don’t just read books without putting them into practice for the kingdom of God. Don’t make friendships without making disciples. Commit yourself to the Lord first, then he will “give you the desires of your heart”.
- The woman must be supportive – She must be able to take on a role of encouragement, sympathy, and especially family/children. Being able to handle household duties is a huge bonus. As most Christian men are family-oriented and a strictly career driven, “me” oriented woman would easily be a turn-off for many. A woman working is not a problem (even if she made more money than the man!), but a women who only works is. Similarly another turn-off was women who did not want children or at least willing to adopt. Most men wanted a women who would submit to their final authority over important household matters although an equal hearing would be given to the female side.
- I’ve already expressed by disdain toward egalitarian (male/female roles are equal) models here. I have seen time and time again women who are fed up with having to manage everything and are happy to allow a man to reign important matters in her life. “If you give it a try, you might actually like it!” one couple advised. Even more significantly were women who would were happy to stay at home for a season rather than work and ship their kids to daycare. I don’t see why we have to look down on women who stay at home to take care of the children and support the husband. In fact, the bible honors these type of positions; just read Proverbs 31 if you don’t believe me.
- The woman must be trustworthy – The more deeper a man has been scarred by his past, the more difficult it is for him to trust others. Trust is such a hard thing to build in men. I think I speak on behalf of all men that he needs to be able to confide and rely on their spouse when they aren’t at home. This rings even deeper for Christian men who inevitably take up leadership roles in the workforce and ministry. He’s gotta know that she won’t cheat or snitch on him when he’s bringing in the bacon (or stir-fry).
- Trust doesn’t come first instinct in any relationship. BUT, a certain level of trust can be earned just by simple observation. How does a woman spend her time? Does she help in the church? Do people look up to her? Is she wise with money? Who does she hang around with? A person earns trust by their character. Guys think about these things just as much as women do when looking for a spouse.
Briefly, here are things that Christian men were NOT looking for in a woman – feminists, domineering, promiscuous, self-centered, poor with children, closed-minded, as well as cooking prowess, bust size, and race.
For myself, I’m looking for a woman with the same tenacity as Ruth, “Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God” – Ruth 1:16. She’d have to share a similar vision for ministry as I have. To be willing to drop everything and follow the voice of the Holy Spirit – start a family, open an orphanage, plant a new church, have an all-night prayer meeting. Seems straight-forward, but its really not. A woman who can demonstrate they are sold out to God in that way has my heart.
Next week I’ll be interviewing a Tyndale professor to focus on how all this plays out practically and how culture really shapes the way a Godly relationship works.
Do you agree or disagree? Please leave a comment below.